I discovered one way to fight loneliness: The Germans call it a Stammtisch

Five years ago I was in Berlin for a few months, and my friend Michael invited me to a gathering of his beer aficionado friends at a neighborhood bar. It seemed like a typical bar hang — until one of the guys planted a little flag on the table: an insignia for their group.

That seemed a bit odd: Why do these pals have a flag? Turns out, this was no random meetup for a pint. It was a Stammtisch.

As I learned, Stammtisch (“shtom-tish”) means “regulars’ table”. It’s an age-old German tradition where a group of like-minded people — traditionally men — meet up at a bar or a restaurant at a regular time to have drinks and chat.

Michael and his Stammtisch companions clearly enjoyed each other’s company. And as I learned, it was really more than just sharing drinks: These monthly meetings deepened their friendships.

Five years later, I’ve found myself thinking back to that gathering and appreciating its elegant simplicity: A standing date on the calendar to see a group of people you enjoy.

A view of the Stammtisch flag at the gathering the author attended in Berlin in 2019.

Laurel Wamsley/NPR

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Laurel Wamsley/NPR

These days, I’ve got a toddler at home and socializing sans kid takes more planning. The easy comfort of meeting friends at a bar sometimes feels like an activity from my carefree youth, and I’m already nostalgic for it.

Back home in D.C., I found myself thinking recently of Stammtisch and what a nice way it is to see people you like. I mentioned this to a German friend, Amrai, as we walked around the zoo with our kids, admiring the goats and alpacas.

Amrai laughed and said, “You know there’s a Stammtisch that meets in D.C.? It’s Germans mostly.” Regretting my scant Deutsch, I decided to get myself invited.

So on a recent cold, dark December evening, I parked my bike outside a brewpub called Right Proper, and stepped inside. I was met by warm conviviality and conversation — and many people who know the Stammtisch tradition well.

The corner table in the corner bar

Over the din of chatter and pop music, the gathering’s organizer, Andrea Shalal, described the classic Stammtisch: “In every German village there is the corner bar, and in the corner is a table. It’s reserved for the sort of elders or other regulars. And they sit in the corner and they drink their beer and smoke their cigarettes and pontificate on the town and all of its craziness.”

Traditionally, many taverns in Germany had a big, round table reserved for regulars — Stammtisch refers to both the table and those who meet there. There are many tales of foreign travelers unwittingly taking a seat at this table and being shooed away by the barkeep.

This Stammtisch in D.C. was a modern take: There were women, not just men. Instead of that big table, people milled with their drinks beside a bar. But everyone seemed to agree that the basic format of Stammtisch is a good one.

“Growing up in the ’80s, ’90s, early 2000s, the idea of Stammtisch in Germany’s youth was sort of rejected as ‘This is something that our parents’ generation, our grandparents’ generation, would do,’ ” said Robert Christoffel, 45, who moved to the U.S. more than a decade ago.

But he’s noticed that’s starting to change.

“A lot of my friends, nowadays, in Germany — maybe because they have gotten a little older as well — they are now meeting up and sort of establishing Stammtisch,” he told me.

In modern life, as fewer people go to church — which in Germany might be followed by drinking at the tavern — these gatherings can take on even more significance.

Werner Hein, who’s 80 years old, described the Stammtisch this way: “That’s a place where you meet in person. It’s hard to see a Stammtisch on Zoom.”

A regular time to meet up with friends can deepen connection and take the work out of planning.

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Henrik Sorensen/Getty Images

A place to open up

Men in particular can find it hard to be vulnerable with one another, added Hein. But amid the ambiance and repeated meetings of a Stammtisch, something starts to happen.

“You open up on things, on your very personal things,” Hein said. “Nowadays, I have to almost say it’s more important than ever to have a kind of Stammtisch.”

Does a Stammtisch have to involve alcohol? I asked.

“If you consider beer alcohol, yes, I think so,” replied Christoffel, pint glass in hand.

What about a coffee Stammtisch?

“That’s called a Kaffeekränzchen,” Hein explained. “That’s typically more like the women when they meet in the afternoon for a coffee and cake. Also another very traditional German thing.”

To me, that sounds equally good as a stein of beer — maybe better.

Turns out I’m actually familiar with Kaffeekränzchen, though I’d never heard the term. For the last couple years, my friend Jordan has organized a regular gathering she dubbed Coffee Club. A group of us meet at a neighborhood café at the same time each week and hang out for an hour over caffeine and baked goods.

At Coffee Club we talk about our jobs, our weekends — and our lives. On one occasion, several members brought dresses for me to borrow for a wedding and an impromptu catwalk transpired.

Is it a Stammtisch or a Kaffeekränzchen? A morning at the author’s Coffee Club is seen here.

Jordan Schreiber

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Jordan Schreiber

I can’t make it every week, but that’s OK. The group is large enough that there’s no pressure.

Amid the stress of work and the full-court press of parenthood, this regular hang with the ladies has been a reliable source of good vibes and commiseration. It’s something to look forward to, not an obligation — just like the Stammtisch.

I asked Werner Hein if he had any advice for someone who might want to start a Stammtisch.

It takes a bit of commitment, he said — “A commitment to have fun.”

And in return? A warm circle of connection, no matter how cold it is outside.