DEAR HARRIETTE: I noted the letter by “Make a Choice,” regarding a young person’s desire to go to college out of state rather than the more affordable in-state school.
The letter didn’t say, but I assume the two schools are similar in reputation and offerings.
I had the identical problem. My oldest daughter (the golden child) had qualifications that would have let her go wherever she wanted. She thought she needed to leave Virginia.
One state school that accepted her was the University of Virginia. Although a state school, it ranks with the Ivy League. I let it play out, hoping she’d make the right decision on her own. It was not going that way.
Finally, I told her, “You’ve been accepted to one of the finest schools in the country. We can afford to send you there without a lifestyle change. Here’s my offer: You go to UVA for your four-year undergrad degree. If you want or need to go anywhere else for further education, I will pay for it.”
She went to and loved her state school — so much so that her decision to become a doctor, which again came with assorted high-priced out-of-state schools, was fulfilled when she decided to stay at UVA for med school.
I would have encouraged her to leave if her out-of-state school choice had been far superior, but it wasn’t. I think the folks in your letter could have thought about it on that basis.
— Practical Dad
DEAR PRACTICAL DAD: Your insights are spot-on. How you guided your daughter was respectful and uplifting. Thanks for sharing!
DEAR HARRIETTE: I am the youngest of five siblings, and although we’re all adults now, I feel like my older siblings still see me as the baby of the family.
No matter how much I accomplish, they continue to treat me like I’m inexperienced or don’t know what I’m doing. It feels like they’ll never see me as a capable adult even though I have a career, a home and a family of my own.
One area where this is especially frustrating is in the kitchen. Every time we have a family gathering, they make jokes about how I can’t cook, or they say things like, “Why don’t you let one of us handle it?” I know they’re trying to be lighthearted, but it’s hurtful and makes me feel like they don’t believe I’m competent.
What’s worse is that they frequently criticize my parenting. I have two wonderful sons who are thriving, yet my siblings always seem to find something to correct or comment on when it comes to how I raise them.
I love my family, and I know they care about me, but this dynamic is exhausting and undermines my confidence. How can I assert myself and help my siblings recognize that I’m fully capable in both my cooking and my parenting without causing a rift in our family?
— Baby No More
DEAR BABY NO MORE: I consistently hear this complaint from youngest children. This seems like an uphill battle, as you have described, because your family members are relying on ingrained beliefs rather than reality.
What you can do is change your attitude toward them. Do your best to stop needing your family’s approval. Participate as you see fit in family activities, but don’t wait for their accolades. If they diss you, encourage them to eat your food and get to know your children rather than criticizing everything.
When they start in on you, walk away. Don’t give them space to disparage you to your face.
Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.
